Exerpt from Sam's diary: Entry from 9 February 2003

I'm still going through my old diaries, and in addition to some of the poetry I've put up here, I found this entry:

"My greatest regret is that at 36, I have not accomplished the most important goals of my life. I have allowed myself to be sidetracked by things that are not terribly important to me; things that will not take me forward on my life’s journey.

I have however noticed that destiny periodically reasserts itself and similar choices are presented to me so I can get out of the rut. It's up to me to use these opportunities to effect a new direction in my life and to achieve my life’s goals."

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In the four years since I made this entry, some things remain the same. I still feel like there's a lot to do and not enough time to do it. But I am slowly learning to focus on today rather than on goals. Take the opportunities that are offered now, and see where they take me.

I still believe that destiny does reassert itself, so whatever opportunities I missed the first time are likely to be presented again. Maybe they will be packaged differently, maybe I won't easily recognise them for what they are, but come again they will. It's a comforting thought.

Two more poems from Sam

Some of you have read some of the poetry I'm putting up here. Enjoy.

Cheers,
Sam

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1. I have decided

I have decided
To ban all well intentioned resolutions

No more
New Year and
Birthday resolutions
No list of ten things to do
By the end of the year
Or before I die

I have decided
Diets and gym memberships are out
Somehow I end eating more food than normal
Swamped by guilt for paying a gym
I’m not using.

I have decided
No twelve week exercise plan
That leaves my knees rattling
No arbitrary deadlines to get published.
Chuck all shoulds and have tos
To focus on what is and can be.

This ban does not mean
That I’m giving up on life
Or getting lazy
This ban does not mean
That I’m planning
To live without drive or purpose

I have decided
To live well, work hard
Say what I want to say
Take care of my body
Spirit and soul

Spend time with people I like
But always, always
Remember that
Today is the only day I can be sure of
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

2. African woman

Skeletal and defeated
Staring out of dead, hopeless eyes
That is not who I am.

Hunger, war and pain-ravaged
Carrying an assault rifle
That’s only part of the story.

Half-naked, sitting on uncovered soil
Baby sucking on a dry sagging breast
The pictures don’t tell the full truth.

The other side of me:
Is a tall, well-fed woman
Living life as best as she can

I love and I hate
I experience joy, stress, PMS
I laugh, cry, dance and sing
I am more like you than you thought.

I get bored, work too hard
Argue with my partner
About who’ll take out the dust bin.

I give birth, raise a family
And like you
I hope for the best for my children.

Shed the stereotype
Of who I’m supposed to be
See me for who I am.

Disregard my otherness
And you will see
I am more like you than you thought

I love and I hate
I dream and I plan
I experience joy, stress, PMS
I laugh, cry, dance and sing.

I love, mate, raise a family
And like you
I hope that my children
Will have a better life than what I had.

Introducing Sam, Warrior woman

In my last entry I promised to explain why I’m called Sam. The full avatar is Samurai.

Some years ago, I belonged to Women at Work, an online forum which aims to provide support to small business owners or women who aspire to do so. One of the forum members had difficulty typing my real name because her computer kept correcting her spelling and offering Samurai as an option.

My fellow forum members decided that the name suited me, as I have the temperament of a noble warrior, and so the moniker stuck.[Samurai= a term for the military nobility in pre-industrial Japan. Source: Wikipedia].

Only, Samurai is such a mouthful, so Sam it is.

Sometimes when I face life’s challenges, including rejection from publishers, I forget that I’m supposed to be a warrior. I just want to lie down, close my eyes and wait for the world to go away.

Then I receive an email from one of my fellow-bloggers, who refer to me as Sam, and I’m not just any old writer. I’m a warrior woman too. And a warrior woman does not give up.

The basics

I’m a woman, daughter, mother, sister, aunt and friend. I work as a journalist, aspire to write books and work too hard to make the latter possible. I spend a lot of time online, talking to friends and trying to learn the business and craft of writing. I also garden, read a lot of fiction and watch some TV.

I live in an old house in Johannesburg, and every so often I think that I should be doing something to renovate it. Then I paint a room or something, decide I’m too exhausted to continue and get back to the rest of my daily activities until inspiration strikes again.


Dreams

Sometimes I wonder if being working as a writer was the right career choice for me. I would definitely be making more money, and suffering less rejection, if I worked as an accountant or lawyer. But I know that deep down I’m doing what I’m supposed to do with my work life, despite the challenges.

Of course, if I’m meant to be a professional writer, one would think I would get the combination of writing well and making a living at it right, wouldn’t one? Yet, here I am at almost 40, not yet rich, not yet famous, and still battling to break in. Note the yet - I am ever the optimist.

I think part of issue is that I [mostly] enjoy being a writer. I also keep faith that my dreams will come true, and that I will place my books with publishers, and they will be read by enough people to make the effort worthwhile. I know I’m looking for a needle in the haystack, but what would be the fun [ and challenge ] if success came too easily?