Child of my heart

I know sometimes you wonder
If I love you as deeply
As a mother loves a child of her body
The short answer is
Yes, I do

The longer answer is this:
You may not be the child of my body
Blood of my blood
But you are the child of my heart
Mine in all the ways that count

I may not have carried you
Borne you after nine months
But I chose to care for you
Grew to love you
Child of my heart

There are times when I wonder
If I would love you more deeply
If you were a child of my body
Blood of my blood
The short answer is
No, I wouldn’t

The longer answer is this:
As you are not of my body
Blood of my blood
I know what my life would be like
If you were not mine to love
Empty, barren

I thank God everyday
That you are mine to raise
Each day you are with me
Is a blessing from God
Child of my heart

My father's love

I knew
With unquestionable certainty
that he loved us.

We could take our battles, big or small
To him
And like a warrior
He came to the rescue

He lived away from is family
Working for a better life
Worked his fingers to the bone

Home every Friday
After a four-hour drive
Bearing little gifts
You could set your clock by him

He listened
When you wanted to talk
Taught, argued and encouraged

He used reason
Other times discipline
Always under-laid by the certainty
Of his love

Now I look at him
Sick, tired, waiting for death
I miss the man he used to be
The vibrant, energetic man
He used to be

We speak on the phone
As much as his health allows
I visit him every weekend
Spend time with him
Still I miss him

The man he used to be
Is fading away everyday
A shadow left behind

My heart shouts: “Why him!”
Why not someone else father
Someone who did not love his family?

I want to reverse the clock
Bring back the man my father used to be
Ask one more question; argue one more time
I miss my friend

But now is the time, to give my father the same love
And support he gave his family
So I sit on the edge of the bed
Tell him one more story, call forth one more laugh.

I want him to know
With unquestionable certainty
That his was a life well-spent
That his family
Loves him just as deeply.

This poem was written on the 9 May 2002, about a month before my father passed away. On that same day, I also wrote an essay about my father, his illness and impending death. I think, that was the day I came to terms with the fact that my father was dying and began the grieving process.

Exerpt from Sam's diary: Entry from 9 February 2003

I'm still going through my old diaries, and in addition to some of the poetry I've put up here, I found this entry:

"My greatest regret is that at 36, I have not accomplished the most important goals of my life. I have allowed myself to be sidetracked by things that are not terribly important to me; things that will not take me forward on my life’s journey.

I have however noticed that destiny periodically reasserts itself and similar choices are presented to me so I can get out of the rut. It's up to me to use these opportunities to effect a new direction in my life and to achieve my life’s goals."

.........................................................
In the four years since I made this entry, some things remain the same. I still feel like there's a lot to do and not enough time to do it. But I am slowly learning to focus on today rather than on goals. Take the opportunities that are offered now, and see where they take me.

I still believe that destiny does reassert itself, so whatever opportunities I missed the first time are likely to be presented again. Maybe they will be packaged differently, maybe I won't easily recognise them for what they are, but come again they will. It's a comforting thought.

Two more poems from Sam

Some of you have read some of the poetry I'm putting up here. Enjoy.

Cheers,
Sam

...................................................................................................
1. I have decided

I have decided
To ban all well intentioned resolutions

No more
New Year and
Birthday resolutions
No list of ten things to do
By the end of the year
Or before I die

I have decided
Diets and gym memberships are out
Somehow I end eating more food than normal
Swamped by guilt for paying a gym
I’m not using.

I have decided
No twelve week exercise plan
That leaves my knees rattling
No arbitrary deadlines to get published.
Chuck all shoulds and have tos
To focus on what is and can be.

This ban does not mean
That I’m giving up on life
Or getting lazy
This ban does not mean
That I’m planning
To live without drive or purpose

I have decided
To live well, work hard
Say what I want to say
Take care of my body
Spirit and soul

Spend time with people I like
But always, always
Remember that
Today is the only day I can be sure of
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

2. African woman

Skeletal and defeated
Staring out of dead, hopeless eyes
That is not who I am.

Hunger, war and pain-ravaged
Carrying an assault rifle
That’s only part of the story.

Half-naked, sitting on uncovered soil
Baby sucking on a dry sagging breast
The pictures don’t tell the full truth.

The other side of me:
Is a tall, well-fed woman
Living life as best as she can

I love and I hate
I experience joy, stress, PMS
I laugh, cry, dance and sing
I am more like you than you thought.

I get bored, work too hard
Argue with my partner
About who’ll take out the dust bin.

I give birth, raise a family
And like you
I hope for the best for my children.

Shed the stereotype
Of who I’m supposed to be
See me for who I am.

Disregard my otherness
And you will see
I am more like you than you thought

I love and I hate
I dream and I plan
I experience joy, stress, PMS
I laugh, cry, dance and sing.

I love, mate, raise a family
And like you
I hope that my children
Will have a better life than what I had.

Youth

Youth is
A smooth, unlined face
No anti-ageing cream required.
A slim and supple body
No creaking bones and aching limbs.
Youth is
A chest full of treasures.

Youth is
Clothes chosen for cool factor
Not to hide bulges and sagging skin.
Love, life and career
A future full of promise
Youth is
A box full of shining treasures.

Youth is
The beginning of career success
Be anything, do anything
Work hard, play harder
Spend moolah as fast as you make it.
Youth is
The 3 Cs: Cash, car and a cellphone.

Youth is
Falling in love
In lust at the drop of a hat
Enjoying every heartbreaking moment
No calluses on the heart yet
Youth is
Not being ready to meet your soul mate yet.

Youth is
A trunk full of possibilities
Treasures and dross
To be cleaned and shined
Their real value yet to be discovered
Youth is
Assuming you’ll live long enough
To unwrap the hidden gifts in the trunk.