My father's love

I knew
With unquestionable certainty
that he loved us.

We could take our battles, big or small
To him
And like a warrior
He came to the rescue

He lived away from is family
Working for a better life
Worked his fingers to the bone

Home every Friday
After a four-hour drive
Bearing little gifts
You could set your clock by him

He listened
When you wanted to talk
Taught, argued and encouraged

He used reason
Other times discipline
Always under-laid by the certainty
Of his love

Now I look at him
Sick, tired, waiting for death
I miss the man he used to be
The vibrant, energetic man
He used to be

We speak on the phone
As much as his health allows
I visit him every weekend
Spend time with him
Still I miss him

The man he used to be
Is fading away everyday
A shadow left behind

My heart shouts: “Why him!”
Why not someone else father
Someone who did not love his family?

I want to reverse the clock
Bring back the man my father used to be
Ask one more question; argue one more time
I miss my friend

But now is the time, to give my father the same love
And support he gave his family
So I sit on the edge of the bed
Tell him one more story, call forth one more laugh.

I want him to know
With unquestionable certainty
That his was a life well-spent
That his family
Loves him just as deeply.

This poem was written on the 9 May 2002, about a month before my father passed away. On that same day, I also wrote an essay about my father, his illness and impending death. I think, that was the day I came to terms with the fact that my father was dying and began the grieving process.

Exerpt from Sam's diary: Entry from 9 February 2003

I'm still going through my old diaries, and in addition to some of the poetry I've put up here, I found this entry:

"My greatest regret is that at 36, I have not accomplished the most important goals of my life. I have allowed myself to be sidetracked by things that are not terribly important to me; things that will not take me forward on my life’s journey.

I have however noticed that destiny periodically reasserts itself and similar choices are presented to me so I can get out of the rut. It's up to me to use these opportunities to effect a new direction in my life and to achieve my life’s goals."

.........................................................
In the four years since I made this entry, some things remain the same. I still feel like there's a lot to do and not enough time to do it. But I am slowly learning to focus on today rather than on goals. Take the opportunities that are offered now, and see where they take me.

I still believe that destiny does reassert itself, so whatever opportunities I missed the first time are likely to be presented again. Maybe they will be packaged differently, maybe I won't easily recognise them for what they are, but come again they will. It's a comforting thought.

Introducing Sam, Warrior woman

In my last entry I promised to explain why I’m called Sam. The full avatar is Samurai.

Some years ago, I belonged to Women at Work, an online forum which aims to provide support to small business owners or women who aspire to do so. One of the forum members had difficulty typing my real name because her computer kept correcting her spelling and offering Samurai as an option.

My fellow forum members decided that the name suited me, as I have the temperament of a noble warrior, and so the moniker stuck.[Samurai= a term for the military nobility in pre-industrial Japan. Source: Wikipedia].

Only, Samurai is such a mouthful, so Sam it is.

Sometimes when I face life’s challenges, including rejection from publishers, I forget that I’m supposed to be a warrior. I just want to lie down, close my eyes and wait for the world to go away.

Then I receive an email from one of my fellow-bloggers, who refer to me as Sam, and I’m not just any old writer. I’m a warrior woman too. And a warrior woman does not give up.

The basics

I’m a woman, daughter, mother, sister, aunt and friend. I work as a journalist, aspire to write books and work too hard to make the latter possible. I spend a lot of time online, talking to friends and trying to learn the business and craft of writing. I also garden, read a lot of fiction and watch some TV.

I live in an old house in Johannesburg, and every so often I think that I should be doing something to renovate it. Then I paint a room or something, decide I’m too exhausted to continue and get back to the rest of my daily activities until inspiration strikes again.


Dreams

Sometimes I wonder if being working as a writer was the right career choice for me. I would definitely be making more money, and suffering less rejection, if I worked as an accountant or lawyer. But I know that deep down I’m doing what I’m supposed to do with my work life, despite the challenges.

Of course, if I’m meant to be a professional writer, one would think I would get the combination of writing well and making a living at it right, wouldn’t one? Yet, here I am at almost 40, not yet rich, not yet famous, and still battling to break in. Note the yet - I am ever the optimist.

I think part of issue is that I [mostly] enjoy being a writer. I also keep faith that my dreams will come true, and that I will place my books with publishers, and they will be read by enough people to make the effort worthwhile. I know I’m looking for a needle in the haystack, but what would be the fun [ and challenge ] if success came too easily?

The honourary first post

It feels weird doing the introductory post for SA Writers, but it's also an honour.

To begin: SA Writers is an online writing group for South African writers based in South Africa and abroad.

While we initially formed the group in order to discuss our writing endeavours, our group is casual and we also discuss a variety of subjects, including non-writing topics. We have found that in sharing these non-writing related experiences, we have grown to understand each other more, and have inspired each other to write the best that we can.

Currently, only four members of the group intend to blog in this space. I'm called Sam, and one day I'll tell the story of how I came by such a common avatar.

My fellow-members are Deb, Gilli and Fi. They too have other names, and they will tell you more about how they prefer to be called.

Our plan is to share the writing -related resources we come across which will inspire other SA writers to write, help improve our writing craft or find a publisher for our works. Each of us may also choose to blog about other non-writing related subjects, at our discretion. We'll see how that works out as the blog evolves.

SA Writers welcomes you comments. If you are interested enough in the group to want to join, you will also be welcome.